Uncivil-Roza

Dear Connor,

I met you here on DA about a year and a half ago.  Who would have known I would have had some of the most interesting conversations with you.  I was moved by the way you write or had written.  From the very first sentence I ever read, your words wrapped themselves around my essence and kept a fierce grip ever since.  Our friendship blossomed with the fruition and love of literature in general, but the emotion you possessed but did not let everyone see was amazing.  I will not go into the details of the secrets shared or that of the privacies of your life, here at least, maybe in my actual journal though.  I do however have regrets as do almost everyone who loses someone, but I want to make a public declaration.  You were loved then, and still are now.  I know I wasn't the closest of friends, but when I read Sam's journal the news hit me like a bullet to the heart.  For I was going to write and try to call you over the weekend.  Kind of missed you brat!  Now, I guess I will keep on missing you and those crazy talks we would have.  I am truly grateful for every letter or piece of advice with my writing you would share.  Hell, I am grateful to have met you for any reason.  Though, your heart wasn't strong enough to sustain this life any longer, your spirit made the most of this existence.  I am proud to have known you in any way.  You will be remembered from all those you touched with your writing, with your being.  You will be remembered in my writing and my heart Connor...

Love
Rose








R.I.P. Connor O'Donnel
The stars shine brighter at night because of you...

Feeling this happy should be a crime!

2011 I pray is a year filled with the transformation of self that I will be proud of for the rest of my days.  I am trying to stay positive, and not be so negative.  I can still be my snarky and sarcastic self, but in all fairness I am trying with all my gumption to look on the brighter side of life.  I have my self issues to deal with, and some demons to battle, but I am looking forward to winning.  I know that at the begining of everything everyone is positive.  However, this self transformation and inner love started before the year was out.  I am trying to get all my ducks in a row spiritually, mentally, health-wise, relationships in my life, etc.  It all has to change, and that change ultimately has to start with me.  My heart is bright with the possibilities of self love and life wonder.  My confusion started the chaos in my life, and unhappiness abused me with all of its negativity.  My mind is a lot clearer because of it though, so I guess that's one thing to be thankful for.  It taught me what I can truly handle as a human being.  Whenever chaos consumes one's life they always ask: what happened? You are active in every decision you make, every detail might not be as clear in the fabric of life.  Yet, ultimately you were there.  Therefore you must deal with consequences and learn from them.  You make your happiness for the most part anyways.  My heart's been guarded because for so much,and just recently I have broken down one self-sabotaging defense of mine.  To love freely, no matter the consequence.  Love is to be cherished and given without consequence, without regret.  I don't need love in return to know how I feel about someone, whether it be just pure love or being in love.  My feelings are mine and can give them freely.  That is one conscientious decision I make here on out, for the rest of my life.  My love will be offered to those who get to know me, the real me within and I ask nothing in return but respect.  This decision has already made me feel stronger in heart and spirit.  I don't know why but it makes my heart feel as if sunshine were bursting from its chambers.  Lovely image in my mind as well.  Those who truly know me that this is not foolish, because my love is usually guarded behind so many trials and tribulations.  This is more about letting myself free from chains that had bound me.  And I am on the road to allowing myself to love not just everyone else, but myself in turn as well.  It's no crime to love yourself.  And now I believe I can, not just the girl I see when she is all dolled up for an epic night out with her friends, but the intelligent girl without makeup and pretense, in just jeans and tshirt who should be wearing glasses.  I can love the me who can look in the mirror and laugh at herself with Medusa hair so early in the morning. lol.  This is me wrapping myself in this years cocoon of focusing on me and transformation.  Hopefully at the end of this year I will be able to emerge as not just a butterfly but a completely free spirit whose only confines are this body.  

Thank you to all who actually listen to me rant on here.  I do so appreciate everything and the feedback.  I use this journal as an outlet away from IRL stress, tho I do know IRL everyone knows this already as well.  I had wrote previously that "the road to ruin is by transformation" (thank you EAT, PRAY, LOVE), and it is by this path that I am finally understanding myself.  Taking myself on the journey that everyone should do and needs to.  Thank you again everyone!  Now may many blessings bestow themselves upon you all this year!

Let's do this thang!

Rosalee

"The road of ruin leads to transformation." from Eat Pray Love

I've learned a lot from this quote.  This past year has meant enough of this for me, and unfortunately I believe it true.  I can see myself transforming, feel it from within.  Just hope it is only for the better.

Dear Santa,

I do want so many things this Christmas but I would settle for one thing I need.  For one thing to be complete. I know I'll get it next year but it'd be nice to unwrap this gift and play with it NOW!

Sincerely
Frustrated and in love ME